At last! Potty talk that could save your life.

I know you’re just dying to hear the outcome of my colonoscopy I had a few weeks ago. But first, let me tell you about the preparation for it.

At noon the day before the colonoscopy, I took four little yet very powerful pills that put me in the bathroom exactly one hour and ten minutes later. The process had begun — but not with the vengeance my friends and family had said it would be. It was just a simple bathroom break from producing music tracks at my keyboard. However, at 4 PM I started drinking 64 ounces of Gatorade lemonade mixed with a powder laxative. Not long after that I was in the bathroom for the next three hours. Although I had minor stomach cramps for about 20 minutes, the colon cleansing process was not a bad experience. I had plenty of reading material, including a newly arrived audio catalog. I was in hog heaven, thumbing through the catalog looking at microphones.

Let’s speed things up a bit. The cleaning out the colon process was not bad at all. Everyone, and I mean everyone, who had gone through the process told me the day before a colonoscopy is the worst day. Even my mother got in on the act and told me her gory details. Thanks a lot, Mom.

Okay, now for the day of the colonoscopy. First of all, we had a really bad storm with thunder and lightning at about three in the morning. With my eyes wide open, all I could think about was, “I hope the doctor is getting a good night’s sleep. I wouldn’t want him poking that instrument through my colon because he didn’t get any sleep due to this damn storm!” I managed to get about six hours of sleep, so I figured the doctor did, too.

When I woke up, I made a pot of coffee for my wife. I didn’t get to drink any, though — not until after the procedure. Speaking of my wife, Cathy (yes, the female voiceover talent here at Audiobag.com), she was wonderful while I was cleaning out my colon. She made me broth, Jell-O, Kool-Aid, and even brought me home a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I visualized those flowers as they were rolling me in for my colonoscopy. Earlier in the morning I listened to a podcast about hypnosis and how one should imagine walking down a path of flowers. So, that’s what I did. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to listen to the rest of the podcast before having to leave for the clinic, so I had no idea what was at the end of that path.

I went to a top-notch day surgery center in Austin. The staff was excellent; quickly and efficiently directing patients to the right place. Okay, now let me explain the procedure. Wait! I can’t! They knocked me out. I can’t remember a darn thing. It seemed like I was only in there for five minutes, but my wife said it was longer. I felt no pain. Not even the feel of a miniature camera sliding up the ‘ol gazoo. Nothing I tell you. Whew!!!! Before I knew it, they were wheeling me back into another room for recovery. The doctor came in and informed me (well, my wife actually) that I had no polyps.

Can life get any better than that? And that’s what it’s all about. Life. A colonoscopy can give you more time to live. And that’s what I want. I’ve got a lot more podcasts to edit and radio sweepers to voice. So, send in those orders. You owe me, man! I just gave you the best description you’ll ever read about a procedure every man and woman should have after they’ve reached 50.

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